Jackson

Last night we had a wonderful time of prayer and thanking the Lord for the life of our son. Jackson Henry was born, almost three weeks early, on May 17th. He weighed in at 5 pounds and 15 ounces. Labor was fast and smooth. Our transition to a family of six has been, mostly, peaceful and sweet. I have been continually filled with wonder when I look at Jackson and also look back over my life, especially my life within the last three years. I am simply in awe. Yet, there is nothing simple about such grace and healing. There isn’t any reason for it or understanding of its workings...there is just acceptance and peace. While we were talking as a family last night I noted that I didn’t even realize how tumultuous my inner life was until it wasn’t anymore. Last year, when Jonathan and I were married, I began a journey toward rest rather than turmoil. How fitting that the past year would culminate with the birth of our son. He is perfect. And he fills our hearts with peace and joy. By being those things he can only be a gift from God. He doesn’t carry the weight on his tiny shoulders of making us happy. He is a sweet, no strings attached, gift from the God of Love. 

Samuel, Sasha, and Sylvia love their baby brother so much. Samuel especially dotes on him. I can say with complete honesty that when I look at my children they are happy. They are full of normality. They have survived and are in fact, thriving. I don’t think I realized how terrified I was for them until after I knew I didn’t need to be.  The journey toward healing isn’t about a destination but about the process itself, and I know the process will continue. I am confident of this. 

I have noticed, while on this journey, that people tend to classify things exclusively, at least here in America. In other words, someone is either evil or good; healed or broken; happy or sad; right or wrong. I confess that there were years of my life when I thought in just such a way. In some sense this line of thinking is comforting. There is the illusion of control in a neatly classified system. Yet, after pretending for a while that everything fits into categories, there is the jolting realization that in all honesty nothing fits neatly at all. Confusion sets in. If nothing fits neatly, then what is true? The answer, often times, is both. I have had so many people tell me how happy they are that I am happy now. I understand what they are saying and, in a sense, they are right. But part of what they are implying is that I have closed the door on my sadness, grief, pain, anger, hurt, and suffering. I don’t have to look at it anymore because now I have peace and happiness. So what is the answer to this? Do I assert that, in fact, all those painful realities are still very much real? If I did that I’m afraid I would be discrediting the peace and happiness that I do enjoy. So, do I tell everyone I’m happy all the time and so glad all the other parts are “over”? That too would be a lie. There have been so many occasions in which I have felt simply confused...not wanting to devalue either extreme and unsure how to live my life emotionally honestly.

I do know that it is right and good for me to be vibrantly happy and unashamed to live in that space. I occupy that space often and I am deeply grateful. Yet, I do believe that such peace and joy can only be fully experienced after being singed by Hellish pain. Am I saying that those who haven’t suffered much aren’t capable of experiencing all the depths of joy? Actually, yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. One is colored by the other. There is, always, the tension of pain and joy; and neither to the exclusion of the other. 

Just before Jackson was born I was, as you can imagine, in extreme amounts of pain. I honestly felt like I didn’t have the energy to deliver him. Yet, to remain in the state of agony brought on by each contraction was equally unthinkable. So, I pushed. And he was born. We have a photo of the moment Jackson was placed in my arms. My expression is one of complete, euphoric joy. He was born of pain, but he is, completely, joy to my heart.